Romney Winner In November

Stringer Blaine Kelty for The Yellow Press reports statisticians have demonstrated conclusively that Mitt Romney will win the presidential election this November. Grebe Creek Data Interpretations, a subsidiary of Founders Partnership, a South Carolina political consultancy used information parsed from the past 15 elections and correlated to a diverse set of social data to determine the winner with a margin of error within .0083 %. The study was conducted at the behest of an unnamed group of business and quasi-governmental leaders involved in future-think programs designed to allow their members to profit from a variety of possible upcoming scenarios.

Grebe Creek researchers used a broad dataset stretching back fifty years to arrive at the results declaring the presumed Republican candidate the winner including economic, security, health, ethnic, sex and racial information. The information was culled from national, international and over 5,000 local governmental sources and included both private and public databases. Over 93 terrabytes of individual datasets were used, all processed through a model GC-14 Kaypro 64 bus, multi-processor computer the company purchased and programmed specifically for the project. Care was taken to assess the data in an empirical manner, avoiding all predispositions towards one candidate or the other and very little predictive information was entered not relevant to the election itself. Results were vetted by reentry of the data and the involvement of third party researchers who were unaware of the nature of the study. The company says that is it is unaware of any study of such magnitude being performed in any previous election and has backed its results with a guarantee offering full repayment of the cost of the study, about $789,000, if wrong.

Gil Campbell, lead statistician for the study said. “We were able to offer the guarantee because the results were unequivocal. As a bet, we feel very sure about it. The American electoral system has essentially been a two horse race for much of its history. That gives us a fifty/fifty chance right off the bat and with the thousands of other contributory factors 0ur research brings to bear we feel confident in our prediction. Remember that the last election was declared a landslide when in fact the numbers were 69 million to 59 million, a relatively small difference to a statistician.”