Higgs Boson Will Kill Us All

PressRussian mathematician Grigori Perelman, famous for proving the Poincaré’s Conjecture and for not picking up the accompanying million-dollar prize, has said that the recently discovered Higgs boson will kill us all. That’s the bad news, the good news is that it will happens so fast that we won’t even notice, we’ll just instantly take up the harp. Scientists running experiments that discovered the new particle will find ways to tweak it in hopes of making perform some useful task for mankind, and much like the experiment your uncle Ned was playing with when he tried to invent a new and more effective toilet bowl cleaner, things will go bad fast. How fast, well, faster than a Shrodinger cat can meow ouch, faster than the big bang, faster than your uncle Ned came out of his clothes. A quantum shift in reality will result in everything as we know it know longer being known. The  Higgs boson   itself will not be the problem so much as it’s interactions with another newly discovered substance, the heaviest known particle to date, element 115, or ununpentium. The grim outcome predicted by Perelman will come as the boson strays from the  hourglass shaped electromagnetic containment vessel the researchers use at  the Bern super-collider and it comes into contact with stray vestiges of the previously unknown dark matter ununpentium. An instantaneous cascade of cancellation between all known matter in the universe and the dark matter, which is said to be greater in quantity will cause our previously tenable existence to become untenable in a mater of pico-seconds. Perelman has written a scholarly article detailing his theories and suggesting a course of action that should mitigate the possibility of a mishap but cautions that experiments at Bern proceed along a different tack if these dire consequences are to be avoided.


DavidW - Publisher

Raised in obscurity and completely entranced with the notion that we should live our lives with the same valuable ethic that a conscientious hiker would, leaving no trace.

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