Rodman Praises North Koreans

Dennis Rodman praised the members of North Korea’s basketball team saying, “I’ve never worked with a group of athletes as highly motivated as they are.” Rodman, who has a personal relationship with the sadly misunderstood all powerful leader of the isolated country, Kim Jong Un, was invited to help train the country’s team in preparation for the upcoming Winter Olympic games in Sochi. A vividly original member of several professional basketball teams and tryst co-conspirator of pop star and supple contortionist Madonna, Rodman was enlisted to whip the team into shape in hopes of securing a gold medal at the games. Members of the team were brought in from around the country and promised ample foodstuffs and the lives and liberties of their families if they adhered to a strict daily training regimen of dribbling, dunking and elbowing. Some were rewarded by being allotted extra time on the countries favorite physical enhancement equipment in an effort to stretch their playing abilities to new heights.  (The machines, relics of the Marquis De Sade, were updated with modern hydraulics and renamed ProRacks.)

Rodman asked for more than a usual allotment of players from the International Olympic Committee, which sets the number of available players at 16, saying that although his teams players have a great deal of incentive to play well they seem to keep dropping out of sight after performing badly on the practice court and that he’ll need a roster of at least 200 if the trend continues. Another problem Rodman faces is the stiffness of the teams green khaki uniforms, which leads most of the players into travelling the court in an odd goose-step gait and that they all seem to look their gaze in one direction, left or right courtside. Every team member is allowed one uncle per game, who may sit in the stands and cheer his nephew or wring his hands in dismay. All players must be committed or married to a female who is prominently more homely than the spouse of the great leader, and chastely dressed.

The US State Department has granted Rodman permission to assist North Korea with the training of its Olympic team with the condition that he smuggle into the country several cases of hair dye and wax in florescent colors and boxes of nose and body piercings in order to create the same rebellious attitude among the countries youth that has occurred in the Americas and Europe.