Baby Insurance

If you don’t expose your child to hazards, how can it handle them when they occur? The best insurance is awareness of the dangers and preventative measures taken well in advance. Research has proven what us smrt peeple gnu all along, “a little dirt don’t hurt”. Babies exposed to bacteria, allergens, hazardous substances, broken toys, whipped cream, peas and broccoli, frightening clowns and freight train whistles are better adapted to tolerate them as they age. The experiment involved  three groups of newborns that were followed over a period of fifteen years, from birth to miscreant, in an effort to determine how they dealt with the deleterious effects of their environments. The first group was protected from all harm, several were raised in Skinner boxes, and  kept scrupulously clean, free of all hazard and pampered as lavishly as a Kardashian.The second group was intentionally subjected to weird uncles, pigsty’s,  junkyards, dandelions, rafting trips, fecula, good literature, bad literature, Harry Potter, scheming classmates, bowl haircuts, stale donuts, fishing with worms, cave dwellers, razzberries and dad’s cooking. The third group, the control, received a normal upbringing.

Results were that the control and second groups, those exposed to hazards, fared much better as they aged, having learned to handle life’s little troubles in stride. The first group however was as lost as a bat in a blender and quaked at ever loud noise, sniffed at every milkweed puff, shrunk from simple challenges like opening their own car door, was frightened by rumors of government conspiracy and bigfoot and seldom purchased anything but Apple products and anti bacterial wipes.