News that the human face evolved to survive a fist fight sent Yellow Press researchers into the record books to determine how well evolved several famous people were by how they fared in fist fights. Studying police records and anecdotal evidence from the pasts of these men, (men punch, women scratch), we were able to determine a ranking from one to ten of how far advanced they were, one meaning not too far along, ten being up to snuff.
- #1 – Kim Jong Il, although he was trained alongside judo master and similarly ruthless national leader Vladimir Putin, Kim apparently tears up and rubs his puffy round face when someone dots his eyes or taps him on the cheek.
- #2 – Rush Limbaugh, same as above but sans training of any kind. Ranked better for having slightly more concern for the loss of his cigar when punched.
- #3 – Barack Obama, yep he likes to run for office, and away from trouble, blame it on being a politician.
- #4 – Tom Cruise, probably should have ranked much higher for his doing his own stunts and rappelling, but scuttlebutt indicates he avoids fisticuffs out of conviction.
- #5 – Bill Clinton, always has been somewhere in the middle of things.
- #6 – Paul Reubens, aka Pee Wee Herman, despite his predilections and the public perception of him, turns out Mr. Reubens is quite the scrapper.
- #7 – Sean Penn, get that Garfunkel fro cut cut back and he’s tough as nails and holds on to his cigar when trading blows.
- #8 – Mohammed Ali, sharper than a tack and as hard as an anvil say what you want about rope a dope.
- #9 – Chelsea Handler, said we wouldn’t include a woman but Chelsea is far tougher and better evolved than anyone else on the list but our top guy.
- #10 – Mohandas Gandhi, they beat the snot out of the little guy, starved him half to death, made him walk to the ocean to get salt for his table and he still came up smiling.
Got someone you think belongs on this list? Use the comments to tell us their ranking and why they deserve it and not only will we post it but we might just punch you in the mouth to see if you are as tough as you think your are.