I have no respect for the dead. I know the social issues, respect the dead, speak no ill of the dead, don’t touch the dead and don’t spread out the blanket for the picnic on a grave. But why? They don’t care, ask a zombie, all you get is a shrug, which is a lot more than most of the dead will give you in response. We are taught to speak in low tones, or to never say the words at all, to tiptoe around the issues of mortality. But it’s about time to set things straight, it’s okay to have no respect for those that are stiffs.
Why do I give them no props? Well, all they ever do is sit or lay around, just try and get one to help you move some furniture, even something as simple as a rattan hassock. They just lay there with their jaw agape and eyes dim like they overdid the legal stuff in two states. Can’t get em to lift a finger. How about a fast food run? Nope, even when it’s I’ll buy if you fly one gets no satisfaction. And they smell. Sure, maybe when you first meet them they are on their best behavior but give them enough time and you wouldn’t even want to take them camping. It’s a simple matter of hygiene people, control your odors. They also have no fashion sense. Every time you see them they are wearing the same old thing. It never changes, same worn out suit or dress, never washed, no repairs, declasse. Show a little respect yourself dead guy.
On top of that they are boring. Yes, they appear interesting when you first meet one, after all they are far different that most of the people you hang with. But they never want to do anything. Sure, they’ll come along, if you drag them. But they won’t chip in for the pizza and beer, or the movie tickets. Take them swimming, they don’t know how, they sink, they float, but nothing in between, try and get them to play Marco Polo. They never contribute to the conversation, just sit there with a blank expression on their face in even heated discussions about turnips and invasive tree roots, two things which should interest them.
They can’t seem to keep it together. Sure we come apart a bit when the ice cream cone we just bought falls on the sidewalk, but they fall apart for no reason at all. The car hits a bump, they lose their heads, pat them on the back they fall apart, the wind blows and their hair falls out. That’s another thing. You would expect them to keep their hair combed but no, ragged all the time. Their fingernails keep growing and they just leave them long. Their teeth turn yellow and do they brush them? How can anyone have respect for the dead when they act this way?