In an effort to force us all to play nice and shut our darn mouths New York state Assemblyman David Weprin is sponsoring a bill that would provide funding for lobotomies. Not just any lobotomy, but a new chemical treatment that targets the regions of the brain involved in impulsive speech. Recognizing that the schoolyard we know as the internet is not a pleasant place and that the bad actors have gone much further than the “I’m rubber and you’re glue.” repartee often found in the comments sections of most websites and have actually driven some fragile individuals to suicide, Webrin is sponsoring a law that would require the treatment. Webrin got the idea to infuse the chemical, a variant of sodium thiopental, into the New York’s municipal water systems after noting the rise in internet hate crimes in his district. The drug, developed by the Eli Lilly company, a large contributor to Weprin’s election campaign, has the effect of making users docile and compliant at very low doses. It also has a strong effect on the frontal regions of the brain, in particular the hypothalamus, inhibiting aggressive instincts and speech. Lilly had been researching variations of sodium thiopental as a remedy for sufferers of Tourettes syndrome.
Just as fluoride is injected into domestic water supplies to promote dental health in growing children and foster malignant cancers of the derma in the elderly, the as yet unnamed compound would be introduced at the source. Weprin believes his bill mandating the use of the substance will result in a kinder gentler populace. Critics of the measure have said that Weprin still sleeps with his teddy, is allergic to bananas and recites Lewis Carol’s Jaberwocky to his infant children so they will soil their didies and give him something to berate them about.
In other news about handcuffing the evil beast known as the press….