Reasons Pence Won’t Dine With Women

Billy Graham would never ride in an elevator alone with a woman, the temptation was just too much to push all the buttons. Steven Tyler would. But vice president Mike Pence won’t even dine alone with a woman. All that footsie under the table stuff? Well there is that, and the lack of knowledge about table settings and which is the salad fork and is a crab cake an entree or an appetizer. But no, The Yellow Press has discovered the real reasons Pence won’t dine alone with any female other than his wife.

  •  It’s the Raj Koothrappali thing. Watch the show, study the character, transmute all the traits you feel apply, you won’t be far off although the fictional character is likely better bar stool company.
  • Pence likes chicken breasts but feels uncomfortable ordering them in a female’s presence.  And leg of lamb, rocky mountain oysters, (all oysters, they have a reputation), virgin olive oil, corndogs, hot dogs, bratwurst, kielbasa, breakfast sausage, (patties are ok), casabas, honeydews, cantaloupes, melon balls, matzo balls, meat balls, ice cream, zucchini, dill pickles, cherry pie, banana splits, tacos, buns, donuts, kumquats, he’s afraid he’ll look ridiculous sitting at table with just a dewy wet glass of water.
  • He has a secret lip fetish. He can watch them all day. It might be just too mush to be at some quiet candlelit white tablecloth dinner in the dark corner of a diner watching lovely lips writhe  against an ear of corn.
  • Topics of conversation. He has few. He likes the way paint changes color as it dries, how do they mix it, it’s wet when they add the colorant and mix it but just how do they know if it will dry lighter or darker or what? And what is it about the young people wearing pants so big they fall off, oops, pants falling off.
  • He slurps his soup. His wife Karen doesn’t mind, she does too.
  • Women can mix things up. Pence likes a clear separation between his meatloaf, (oops, meatloaf), his mashed potatoes, peas and dinner roll. Women like goulash.
  • His bib sometimes gets messy.

DavidW - Publisher

Raised in obscurity and completely entranced with the notion that we should live our lives with the same valuable ethic that a conscientious hiker would, leaving no trace.