Sex And The Candidates
Sex and the candidates
Because the public is interested in such things our clandestine affairs reporter for The Yellow Press has delved into the sexual politics of the current front runners for the 2020 presidential election. While incomplete it may serve as instructional to those who place importance in what are often considered private matters.
The Democrats
Cory Booker – https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cory_Booker
As a never married man Booker has no taste for the shackled life and fully enjoys his freedom. He plays the field with such amicable friends as tv personality Gayle King, poet Cleo Wade, actress Rosario Dawson and many other amenable and pliant vixens. It’s rumored he has a physique like a young Vin Diesel and posesses a swagger like Milton Berle. A vegan, he often has a healthy appetite and can eat more than a dozen papayas at a setting.
Kamala Harris – https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kamala_Harris
Harris is married to an attorney so her private life is either quite mundane or tres kinke. As a former consort of political action figure Willy Brown, it’s likely the latter. She wears very conservative business suits but underneath shows a penchant for hand tatted Persian lace in intricate designs depicting scenes found only on the walls of secret rooms deep within the Taj Mahal. Her husband is required to reinact those scenes depending upon the attire chosen for the day.
Alexandria Ocasio – Cortez – https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexandria_Ocasio-Cortez
Often reduced to an acronym, AOC is reportedly single, and a wild one. Seen the video? https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2019/01/04/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-dance-video-going-viral-stuns-producer/2485780002/
AOC is originally from Puerto Rico, where they dance the rhumba, tango, cha cha, mambo, merengue and macarena and she is proficient at them all, very, very proficient, (we heartell that the best merengue dancers do this thing with their tongue…). A direct descendant of Hernando Cortez it’s said that hot latin blood runs through her veins and that the things she can do with her set of maracas are, oy, que fantastique!
Bernie Sanders – https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernie_Sanders
Bernie is an old hippie, you dig? He loves everyone, everyone. Wanna come over and see his posters, roll one, have a cup of tea? Sanders had quite a string in his day, the list is quite long, in the sixties everyone had long hair and short flings, and his even included Deborah Messing but like all those old hippies his affairs are of the heart and he’s been happily married for several decades and still groovin.
Pete Buttigieg – https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pete_Buttigieg
Buttigieg has been candid about his sexuality, let that be enough.
Beto O’Rourke – https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beto_O’Rourke
O’Rourke had a brief moment…. Then another….
Marianne Williamson – https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marianne_Williamson
Williamson is reputedly a platinum level customer of actress Gwyenth Paltrows line of sensuality products and emollients. As a practitioner of all things new agey she’s been bent over a yoga ball, frolicked al fresco in the warm surf on a new moon, swayed swooning ectstatic with several of the bare chested models, think Fabio, for covers of novels by Nora Roberts and attends ComicCon wearing a skintight leotard with makeup ecocative of Seven of Nine, completing the effect with purse sized ice packs she carries. She was briefly married and now rendevous with beautiful people wherever they congress and congresses there with them under rainbows, and sparkly wind chimes on oiled leather couches.
Joe Biden – https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Biden
Good ol’ uncle Joe, he’s a hugger, just leans right in for a tight one and a sniff. Biden is a real ladies man, ask Hillary, who insists on a chaperone at all thier meetings, as Kamala, Alexandria, and Elizabeth Warren have learned to do. (Not Marianne, those emollients are not just there for decoration. They are actually quite lubricious!) Biden is married and either discreet, innocent or lucky.
Elizabeth Warren – https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_Warren
Warren is about as ho-hum as they come in this regard. While content with the relations she has with her second husband she has no peccadillos worthy of mention. Blond, she is not unattractive, and any number of suitors might appear if the signs were posted, but as of this reporting she’s only as interesting as any other person one might meet on a hiking trail outside of Winthrop, WA.
Other Democrats running for the presidency are currently not as notable for their impecunities as those aforementioned but should they manage to be caught in flagrante delicto we will expand our coverage.
The Republicans
Bill Weld – https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Weld
Bill Weld, the only current contestant to the incumbent on the Republican side of the playroom is a vocal opponent of the president and former Libertarian. Weld dies his hair and looks like a blond Orville Redenbacher. His amorous adventures include peanut butter, pool rafts, canned whipped cream and a pair of tighty whities worn as a hat, his ears sticking out the leg holes.
Donald Trump –
Trump’s sexual identity is relatively well known by now, from his Richie Rich frat boy days, to how he handles, or grabs, members of the fairer sex, up to his rental and purchase propensities for women there is little that can be added to little Donnies, as those who’ve been intimate with him call him, story. Everything rumored to date has been borne out, the penchant for low grade interludes and relish for for what most consider bathroom habit and his brief rendezvous with ardent, puffy, middle aged female supporters after his rallies behind his wife’s back. The photos of him and Epstien are not faked, and denials aside, don’t show half of what went on when they were palling about. Little Donnie certainly does enjoy his reign but it’s said that even the secret service is finding it difficult locating enough late night trollops willing to sneak in the back door to the white house and is considering purchasing one of those new realistic robot dolls. Little Donnie is said to be down with giving it a try, provided he can choose the wigs.