Ricochet Biscuit, Jack Kingston

Eat a ricochet biscuit! That’s the message Republican congressman Jack Kingston from Georgia has for hungry kindergartners. Saying that the school lunch programs are too expensive, Kingston suggests that students be required to sweep floors, mop the lavatories, clean the cat crap out of the playground sandboxes, rummage through the trash cans for what the rich, overpaid teachers leave behind, or go hungry. “Really poor children, in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working and have nobody around them who works so they have no habit of showing up on Monday,” another sterling Georgia Republican, Newt Gingrich, once told a room full of Harvard students. In my day we were so poor we had to steal the neighbors dog and hold him for ransom, the good side was that if the neighbor wouldn’t pay, Mom had a good recipe. We were so poor we used to chase burps to remind us of the flavor of our last meal. Rocks and dirt have a surprising amount of nutrition in them if you eat enough. Our nation is overwhelmed with the poor, the sooner we begin to train them in the servile, menial tasks that those of us with better sense avoid, the faster they’ll shed their uppity ways. What the heck is all this ruckus with the fast food workers anyway? They can have all the french fries off the floor they want, the dishwashers and bus boys know that water will wash a cigar ash off and make what remains on a t-bone just fine for the family stewpot. That darn Charles Dickens set the whole privileged underclass rebellion in motion, we need to get back to the good old days. Working in a factory instills good values and encourages speed and agility, those shuttles move quick. How can a man enjoy his golf game with the rabble we have on the course these days. And my maids won’t wear the attractive uniforms I provide them, the chauffeur can’t seem to help dodging the  homeless people though I’ve told him a thousand times I’m in a hurry.

Kingston has defended his statements on requiring schoolchildren to pay or work for  their school lunches on several occasions, and has been applauded profusely after the attendees applied napkins to their mouths, cleansed their pinkies in finger bowls, lit pipes and toasted him with sparkling beverages. Those of us who feel aiding the poor is noble were not invited.