Kissing For Cooties

It’s news! Get cooties kissing! 80 million bacteria jump ship with every liplock, to say nothing of their infinitesimally smaller and more prolific and insidious brethren, the viruses. It ain’t the nastiest behavior on the block but yes, you can spread stuff around with a display of affection. The research shows the little germies dance and frolic like hamsters in a new tunnel system when the oral protrusions connect, swapping infectious organisms evenly between the two, or more, or even many more, depending upon how rambunctious one is, partners. 80 MILLION, get a concept of how many buggers that is, there are only about 7000 grains of rice in a cup, and if a germ was as big as a grain of rice you’d have about 11,500 cups of little elongated white grains impeding your ability to speak. Some germs are elongated, e-coli is, and do you want 11,500 cups of that in your chops, we know where that comes from. No kissing anymore, the science ordains it. It’s a vector. It spreads cooties. Cooties! COOTIES! Cooties like mononucleosis, the common cold, the flu, the bird flu, the norovirus, ebola, penguin feet, shingles, herpes and happiness.

So we know now, we really always have, kissing is an insidiously dangerous custom. Why is it the Aleuts just rub noses? Ever had the flu in an igloo, you’d be more conscientious about where you put your mouth too.

But changing a behavior is only effective if what replaces it is more satisfactory so The Yellow Press recommends forgoing the kissing, it was only a prelude anyway and getting right to the main course. Gonna catch the cooties? Might as well be worth it.